Potty Wars

(Disclaimer:  You probably know this already but I will remind you here– I write Observational Humor.  This means I look at the world around me and try to put a funny spin on it.  It may be possible that I occasionally enhance the truth for comedic effect.  I may possibly paint an extra colorful picture or exaggerate a tad.  You must take this into account when you read my posts.  If you really need to find something to be offended about please don’t look for it here.  There are plenty of other things to worry over.  I promise:  No toddlers were harmed in the name of creating a story)

A wise old sage once said:

You can lead a toddler to the potty

But you cannot make him pee.

And at no time in my life have I been more aware of this adage than tonight.

Come with me as I take you on a journey.  A potty training journey.

5:00pm   Home from work.  Long hard day.  Tired.  Irritated.  Toddler is naked and sitting on ONE of his potty chairs.  (Note:  He currently has two potty chairs and a toddler urinal in one small bathroom.)  Apparently has been on said potty for some time already.

5:15  Ask Mr. P if he needs to go potty.  Receive negative reply on peepee status.  Mr P. is still sitting on Mickey Mouse potty playing on a tablet.   Give him juice.

5:30   Ask Mr P about update on PP status.  Still negatory.  Juice box has been drained.  PeePee has not yet been drained.

5:45  Take Mr P to bathroom and try other potty.  This is a Sesame Street potty.  We discuss the lack of Hot Wheels stickers on the Potty chart stuck to the wall.  He says he likes the stickers.  He says he wants more stickers.  Looks dismayed when I reiterate that stickers must be earned with successful potty.  Cannot produce peepee regardless of desire for additional stickers.  Move on to M & M Jar full of yummy M & Ms.  Subject accedes fondness for M & Ms but is not willing to part with PeePee to get one.

6:15   Subject leaves bathroom to gather Potty books for reading while on potty.  He has many potty books.  He has “P is for Potty”.  He has “Potty”.  He has “Potty Superhero”  He has “Once Upon A Potty”  He has “Potty Time With Elmo” And those are just the ones he can find right away.  We read them.  All of them.  And when I say “we” I mean I read upside down and he makes color commentary.  All this while he makes a concerted effort NOT to go potty.

6:30   More juice.  Still no potty.  Try to remind subject of how much fun it is to make the yellow spinning wheel go around in his new Frog Urinal which kept falling off the wall until I finally used my Handy Dandy hot glue gun and stuck the damn thing to the wall permanently.  It had already pulled the paint off anyhow.  (See:  Crappy Paint Job Blog Posts for background).  Explain to Mr. P that he is super lucky to get to have such a cool urinal.

6:42   Returned to Mickey Mouse potty in living room begin running through repertoire of Potty Songs.  Begin with the classic Family song:  Potty Time written and originally performed by Mr. P’s great grandma Emily M. Rittel  After several versions performed inquires on current potty status.  Ziltch.  Move on to Potty rendition of popular Disney songs.  Please feel free to sing along

From “The Little Mermaid”     You’ve gotta pee.  You’ve gotta pee.  Darlin it’s better when you’re not wetter take it from me.

From “Frozen”  Let it go  Let it go   Don’t hold it back anymore  Let it go  Let it go In the Pot and not on the floor.  You can stand cuz you’re a man.  Let it go.  Let it flow.  Let er go!!

From “Lion King”   I think it’s time for a little heart to heart.  Kings don’t need advise from Old Nahnahs to start.  Have another cup of milk or juice or tea!  Oh I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO GO PEE!”

Finally, from “Toy Story”  You’ve really got to pee.  You’ve REALLY GOT TO PEE  You got troubles, I got some too.  Think pee is bad?  Just wait for POO!  I can’t relax till it comes out of you!  Cuz, YOU’VE REALLY GOT TO PEEEEEE!!!

Subject is amused but not inspired.

6:57  Realize that have now moved from Potty encouragement to Potty Quest.  Rapidly losing ability to remain positive and non-judgemental as well as taunting subject by making my own pee pees and rewarding myself with M & Ms.  And stickers.  Thinking of making my own chart but decline once realizing that anyone who can make a peepee just by laughing doesn’t really need a chart.  Have lost perspective.  Eat several more candies.  Berate myself for self comforting emotional stress with food.  Again.  Wonder if using candy reward for natural bodily function is setting subject up for bad coping behavior.

7:15   Score:  2-Juice boxes  0-Peepees    3 Hours

7:17   Begin giggling and telling True To Life story about how the PeePees need to come out so they can get flushed to their homes in the toilet where all their family and friends live.  PeePees are lonely for their friends.  Isn’t it CRUEL to keep them from their MOMMIES????    Do you really want to be the PeePee dictator.  Giggle at using the word ‘dictator’ when referring to PeePee.   Assume emotional meltdown is imminent.  And Subject is getting worn out also.

7:30  Write Haiku about my life and text to family and friends:

Potty Pee Potty

Do You Have To Go Potty?

Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee

(Snort while laughing at myself– not a good sign)

8:00   Have been at this for hours with zero pee pees evacuated.   Decide to give up for the night. Put on the jammies.  And a diaper.  Brush the teeth.  Subject gathers Mr Penguin, Capt America, Big Owl AND Little Owl and a Fafa (pacifier) and crawls into bed to watch Blue’s Clues.  My bed.  Snuggles ensue.

He has won the battle but not the war.  I brush the hair from his tired eyes and tell him I love him.

And I don’t say the ‘P’ word.

But live to potty train another day………



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6 Comments on “Potty Wars

  1. Laughing my A$$ off at your songs…I think you should record them for UTUBE……

  2. You are hilarious!! Stephanie is doing the same thing right now. Gone from a sucker as a reward (ate too many in one day) to being able to feed the goldfish (can only do that ONCE) to now a cute little jelly belly dispenser that only dispenses one jelly bean at a time (I’m sure will bore of this quickly).
    Actually initiated potty training himself, but quickly petered out (pun attempted) with lack of acceptable rewards. These cute little humans are WAY manipulative!

    • HAHAHAHA! They are soooo manipulative. And I find myself just stepping outside of my self and thinking “Lady you are really making yourself crazy here” but you just don’t want them to have the win!!

  3. Hilarious, as usual. Dare I ask how this yellow spinning wheel works when it’s attached to a wall?

    • The froggy urinal is attached to the way and the insert that has the spinning wheel is attached to the thingy that he pees in. I will send you a picture.
      But you have to keep in mind this is a CHILD’s urinal and you are too old to get one!

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