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Being Let Go

 So, Constant Readers Whomever You Are….

I have been “Let Go”    What a marvelous euphemism for being fired or sacked or relieved of your professional position etc…

After 19 years in the same company, my services are no longer desired.

He says “We are letting you go because the company is going in a new direction and I do not trust that you will do the things I tell you to do” Which I interpret means “I am putting together a new fresh company and you don’t fit in.  You don’t do all the crazy things I ask of you without questioning me”  Which is true because there is a lot of crazy.  And the stories I could tell if I wouldn’t get sued somehow…… (but if you want to know I just message me in private

19 years.  I was 34 years old and married in 1997 when I started working there.  I was with that company longer than my marriage lasted. Most of my adult life.   I haven’t been on a job interview since 1979 because my jobs always came to me via word of mouth.  I have never been laid off, let alone fired. There isn’t even one write up in my personell file.

I am thrust into unknown territory here.   And I am more than a little terrified.

The good news for you guys is now I will have more time to write and a whole new vista of new material.

I wrestled between keeping this my deep dark shameful secret (because it really feels like that) and just “Coming Out” so.….

Here it is.  My blue bird has been set free.  She has been let go to find a better place.  

My wonderful family is taking me away to celebrate this new phase in my life because they totally rock and I am going to try to have a good time and start the job hunt in a few days.

Thoughts, prayers, good chi and flying fruits and vegetables all accepted gratefully.

Loves to you all! 

My Breakfast With Ray Charles

I know, I know…. I write a post about not posting and then there are posts two days in a row but I gotta tell you guys about this.

This weekend I went away overnight to spend some quality time with myself. I do this every so often just to clear my head. This weekend my goals where mostly twofold: #1) Think about my career (If you are someone I work with— why are you reading this?? No one I work with knows I write so go away. If you are not I may be thinking about getting more education and what that would look like or whether or not I am doing what is best for me.  See this?  |   |   Those are two lines.  Read between them) #2) Polishing up a piece I am writing for a Writers Contest.

In between that  I am doing some TV binge watching and coloring in my color book. By the way… I was coloring before it became a Thing. Just sayin

I arrive in my favorite getaway spot, Ventura, and head over to the local Barnes & Noble to drink coffee and use their WIFI for a few hours. Then I go over to the beach to watch the surfers (sadly no buffed out guys changing out of their wet suits in the parking lot this time. Is it weird that I set up a chair in the parking lot behind the VW Vans?) Soon it was time to eat. Since I am currently in a bad place with my diet I was looking for something tasty instead of something good for me. Sadly the entire universe is in town for the Strawberry festival so theire are big lines everywhere. I decide to go get Chipotle and take back to my hotel. 

After leaving Chipotle I start feeling the initial symptoms of low blood sugar. Now I gots da diabeeetes doncha know and mine does these ups and downs like crazy so when I start to feel it I know I gotta eat something to bring it up or I might possibly faint, go into a coma and die. So I stop at AMPM for some protein and my brain just up and stops working. So I am standing in AMPM in not so great a part of town trying to think- which is getting harder and harder. I know there is stuff all around I can get to help but I can’t figure out how to do it. So I am sure I look like I am drunk or drugged out or just an escaped dementia patient. Finally I grab a bottle of orange juice because I keep thinking of Steel Magnolias when they gave Shelby orange juice which is weird because I am not a super fan of that movie. Plus if I were go for something from that movie I would have looked in the Armadillo Cake Section. Since I could not find Armadillo cake but I could find orange juice I buy that and I get to my car and chill out for awhile until I stop shaking and my brain clears. And I am thinking I AM NOT SAFE TO BE ALONE! 

And maybe my brain was shutting down before I realized it because I get back to my room and realize I have no eating utensils whatsover. So I am looking around my room to see what I can use to eat with and find nothing. Well I did try using two pens as chop sticks. Now I am going to confess a few things here that are ridiculous. I realize they are stupid but I and you are going to be shaking your head, but I am going to tell you anyhow because I know you love me in spite of myself. I order a small salad from room service. There I said it. I ordered room service so I could get a fork because I ALREADY WAS DRESSED FOR BED DAMMIT and I was not going to leave my room. So that happened. And I ate my dinner and it was good. 

I woke up in the morning at 6:00am and could not go back to sleep. UNBELIEVABLE!! And my brain started working which sucked. So I laid there trying to schedule my day which was was not actually relaxing at all. Finally I got up and got dressed and decided to go grab something to eat in the hotel restaurant and get back to writing because I knew that today is the last day I can post a revision to my contest story and someone last night posted a really constructive criticism and I realized I really had to re-write the whole story. (And NO! I would NEVER use a run on sentence like that!) So I go to the restaurant and I am the only person there. Literally the only person in the whole place. And it is as quiet as a tomb would be if a tomb had Ray Charles music being piped into it. I was honestly kinda impressed with myself that I even knew who was singing cuz I am not a music person. There was one man working the restaurant and he just kinda floated in and out of the room occasionally which is exactly what you would expect if you were eating breakfast in a tomb with the ghost of Ray Charles. A Ghost Waiter. After about 10 minutes I couldn’t take it anymore. It was freaking me out so bad so I had him box it up and went back to my room. 

Let me descibe this room. This is at the Pierpont which is very old, historical Craftsman Style. It is not a cheap hotel (but again all those lousy Strawberry tourists are in town so my choices were limited) but very charming and has a lot of character. Their decorative style is a little hit and miss. Some of it looks very original and some is more modern. Like they just can’t quite figure out which way to go. My room has a fireplace which is kinda cool. The work desk, however , is horrible. In their defense they probably didn’t realize that I wasn’t here to go to the Festival so they may not have realized I needed a good desk. Because I AM A WRITER and I came here to WRITE! The desk is situated right outside the bathroom facing a brick wall. Yes, a real brick wall. It is painted of course, but still. I small desk facing a brick wall with no natural light and tiny small light fixtures is hardly encouraging creativity. So I have moved the desk so that it faces the sliding door which faces out toward the pool. So this is nice. And the fire place is off to my right and I have it running (gas) and I have the door open so I can hear the sounds of the freeway that runs about 300 feet away but I can also see a sliver of ocean so that is okay.  Because I am A WRITER and I have a GREAT IMAGINATION so I can convince myself that I am actually hearing the OCEAN!

I finish off the day by visiting the squirrels in front of the Crowne Plaza and I am pleased to see they are fat and sassy because last time I was there they looked emaciated and I worry about such things.

And I get in my car and drive home, stopping in Santa Clarita for my usual nap in the car because I can’t drive more than an hour without getting super sleepy.

The End 

Some Whine (Not Wine Dammit)

Gotta share what is on my mind tonight.    I have been going through some stuff.  You know what I mean… that crappy life stuff that just drags you down.  Nothing feels like what you want it to.  Work is… well, it is not fun anymore.  Home is….. messy and just… meh.  Everything is Meh.

Thinking it all over and trying so hard to figure out HOW TO FIX THIS CRAP is making me nuttier than usual and I am not coming up with a whole lot of answers.  But I am trying to get a grip.

Writing is one of the things I am trying to figure out.  I wish there was a way to spin my writing blogs or stories or whatever into something altruistic.  Or noble or something other than what I suspect is just a whole lot of attention whoring on my part. I mean unless you are writing about something that is actually going to help someone live healthier or happier– what other reason is there?   I want you to want me.  I need you to read me.  I want to have feed back or compliments or even irritated responses.  And when that doesn’t happen it makes me want to pick up my toys and go home.  I know there are a few of you who read.  At least maybe 15 people I am pretty sure follow what I do and I have decided to try really really hard to be content with entertaining you. 

This may sound anti-climatic to you but that is only because you do not realize the fantasy I have to give up to admit that this is it.  This is as far as this thing is going to go.  I am not going to have scads of people who follow me.  I am not going to be nominated for any blog awards.  I am not going to go viral.  I am not going to make an impact.  I am not going to be able to make money with my blog.  

Giving up– if I can do it– means letting go of a lot of things that pressure me.    Every writing course or advice book says you need to write constantly and consistently.  Well, I just can’t find enough to write about since my Resting Face changed from Resting Optimistic Face to Resting Bitch Face.  I cannot find the funny like I used to.  I can’t see the interesting like I used to.  My cats are still the same cats but why don’t I find them funny anymore??  And I let this stress me out to the point that none of it was fun anymore.  I have spent a lot of money on this blog trying to make it interesting and marketable and I need to stop that.  It is never going to start paying off. 

I need to stop obsessively looking up “Blog Tips” “How To Get More Twitter Followers”  “How To Get More Readers” “What are The Best Days and Times To Publish Posts” “How To Make Money With Your Blog”  on Pinterest and just stick with 10000 ways to cook with Cauliflower.  Because that, at least, has SOME FREAKING VALUE!

I wish I could say I wasn’t fishing for compliments here but that would be big stinking load of crap.  I am feeling sorry for myself.  I am trying to cut the cord on a dream and it really sucks, but trying to force something that just isn’t happening sucks too. 

So this is a BIG SHOUT OUT to those of you— my peeps, my crew, my homies– who I know read me and I am going to cater to YOU from now on.  It won’t be consistent so you will never know when there might be something from Geeez but hopefully it will be worth reading when it pops up.

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Like Wine

Geeez I Wish I Liked Wine….

Some of you may have noticed I changed my Blog Title. It is part of my ongoing journey of mid life discovery (aka WHY DON’T I HAVE EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT YET???)

On the surface level….. I feel like I missed the “Wine Is The Most Amazing Thing On Earth” train.

 

It seems almost everyone around me is constantly expounding the delicious taste of all the various wines. They talk endlessly about different wines and where they found them. They go to wine tastings. They take trips to vineyards. They cook with it. They sip it while listening to Adele and having romantic times with their SO. They make slushies! The day I changed my blog title the grocery checker actually said to me “I just can’t wait to get home, take off these shoes and have a glass of wine”.

How can something that sounds so AWESOME taste so YUCKY???? And I have tried my best to find something I can at least sip and not gag. I have tried reds and whites and blush and everything in between. I have tried ‘dry’ and ‘sweet’ and ‘fruity’ I tried putting it in 7-up and surreptitiously stirring in some Splenda. Yuck. Ditto for all of the above on beer.

YUCK I SAY… A THOUSAND TIMES YUCK!! 

Under the surface it is reflective of this time in my life that I am ready to be more chill. And trying really hard to figure out how to do that. I am not naturally ‘chill’. THAT’S WHY I NEED WINE! I am ready to come home from work and not obsess about the house being clean (don’t forget I have a toddler living here). I want to stop feeling guilty when I watch TV and I am not folding laundry or running into the kitchen at commercials to do dishes. I want to relax more and stress less. I want to learn to give myself a break.   
 

I guess I will just have to do that with a nice cup of coffee……….. 

 

 

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Crazy Cat Lady Flies Her Freak Flag Once Again!!!

Stop if you have heard this one before: A Crazy Middle Aged Cat Lady Walks Into Petsmart……………

I haven’t had a chance to introduce you to the newest member of the Furgang: Meet Josie (insert “Josie & The Pussycats” theme song here #earworm)

 

 

Josie was trapped in a little tiny parakeet sized box in Petsmart. She was stuck in behind the clearance gerbil toys and she hadn’t eaten in 16 months. She was flea bitten and had mange. She had lost the ability to speak english and all she could say was “Tay In Da Wind….”   Okay that isn’t true. She was in a cage at Petsmart but it was a big cage and I found out that she belonged to a childhood friend who was very sad that she had to find a new home for her. So……. TAH DAH!

The thing that really sold me on this little sweetie besides being beautiful and cuddly is that she is Polydactyl

 

No, not Pterydactal

 

Or PolyFractual

 

Or even PolyQuackal  

She is Poly Dactyl which means she has more than 4 toes on her paws.  She has at least 5 on each foot!  

 

This is awesome because she is able to do all kinds of things that cats without opposable thumbs cannot do.  

She can fold laundry

 

 

She can open jars of peanut butter

 

She can clean out her own cat box

 

Best of all she can give 20% better cat massages than other cats because she has 20% more toes!! 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Petsmart:   Please ban me from your store. I can get animal food online. I can’t be trusted. 

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5 Things I Want To Say About Being Agnostic: By Guest Blogger Kimberly

 

km_blonde3Meet Kimberly!   She is from Mineapolis but she hates the cold!  She is 46 years old and married 20 years with a 17 year old son  By day she works as an executive assistant and as a yoga teacher, blogger, heretic/Jesus lover/skeptic by night!  Kimberly and I are members of the Clumsy Blogger Workshop Community which is both an educational course on writing and a group of Bloggers lending encouragement, inspiration and support (both technical and of the constructive criticism variety)

 

1.)    My agnosticism was the result of accepting my doubt and not something I sought out.  It’s not the result of not caring, in fact quite the opposite, I cared so much and searched so far that finding no one has ultimate truth was the end result. 

2.)    I do miss Christianity sometimes.  At Christmas it can be a little painful.  Easter some melancholy sneaks in.  In Christianity there were always action steps in times of trouble: pray, fast, tithe, believe.  So now when life shits on me I simply have to take it.  I have to breathe and work it out. 

3.)    Yet living in the doubt, mystery and uncertainly is much calmer than anything I ever experienced with a God.  With God life was volitale.  There was so much fear and never “the peace that passes all understanding”.  Ever.  I always feared what he’d do to me to refine me and strengthen my faith.  So many unanswered prayers.  So much terror and trauma. The bible’s words of “comfort” never rang true.  Saying, “I don’t know – and neither do you.” is my truth.  Speaking those words for the first time was the most honest statement of my life. 

4.)    I was fully a Christian.  It’s hurtful and flat out rude when you assume I wasn’t all in when I was in the church.  I understand you speak with fear that what happened to my faith could happen to you or someone you love, so you need to find a blaming reason as how it could occur.  I know you believe that if you say the Sinner’s Prayer correctly, and with an honest heart, that the Holy Spirit comes into a person and won’t leave.  I understand your conclusions, but you’re wrong.  I was a Christian by any definition. 

5.)    I’m still open to everything.  If a deity exists then I’m welcome for it to come to me.  I’m curious as to where my journey will take me.  Nothing is off limits.  But admittedly…I can’t imagine going back.

Note From LeAnn:  I always admire and support people who have the courage to live their truth.  I know, dear readers, that my shift from the silly and the funny on to some deeper topics might be jarring for you and I hope you will follow along.  There is much to learn from each other about different perspectives and lives that take a different path from our own.  I am fascinated with learning about the greater world around me.  I feel a greater affinity with all people as I understand that everyone has their unique and beautiful and painful story.  There is so much to learn about life and love when we accept those around us and expand our own horizons.  More often than not I find, as I have with Kimberly’s story, that I have more in common with her point of view than I would have expected.

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Using The “F” Word

There are a couple of really dynamic “F” words.
The most obvious one, the one spelled “#&@%”, is just an expression. A giant, irritated sigh, with no real power. That is not the one I am talking about.

The real scary one is “FEAR”

Thank Heaven there is an antidote to Fear….. “COURAGE”

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It is a simple explanation really but also one of those things that kinda stops you cold and take a second look for the first time.( I heard this the other day from a wise sage but I do not know her name to quote her. Let’s just call her Sage. )

We all do things every day that do not include that element of fear. Those are just things that we do. They do not require any courage.

And there are times that we run up against that big, high, thick wall of fear and back…. Slowly…away. Or not so slowly… possibly run like heck!   Nothing courageous about that. But when you see that wall and you really want to run but you get over it by sheer force of will:  that is courage. Be it pushing through the pain or charging through danger. That is bravery.
Myself—I run the gamut of all those things. My biggest regrets are rooted in times that I ran in fear. The times that I esteemed myself involved getting past that wall. Sometimes it looms up right in front of me and though I have every intention of challenging The Fear…. I walk away. Sometimes I drag myself up and over. It is a frequent companion. Unwanted, but always kinda hanging around anyhow.
I can see, in hindsight, that a small investment of discomfort would have yielded a wealth of experience and success. I try to remind myself of this when I waiver. Ugh—highsight is a bitch, right?
My trip last year to New York City was a time that I jumped the wall and took on the Fear Monster: Fear of screwing up the plan reservations. Fear of missing work and screwing up my job. Fear of getting lost or mugged or any number of horrible touristy nightmares. There was a load of fear all along the way.  And sure, I brought my sister with me… but we accomplished countless acts of courage: We made all our flights.  We took the subway many times. We ate at a fancy restaurant and ordered weird food without making fools of ourselves. We jumped out in traffic and hailed a taxi. We walked through Times Square to Broadway and saw a play.    When I get up in the morning and make myself go to work, lately there is a lot of fear of how the day will go and though sometimes I have to throw up on the way there, I go anyhow.  I little courage boost there.    Here is a deep dark secret.  Brace yourselves.  Sometimes when I write and I post here I am a little scared.  Will anyone read it?  Will they think I am stupid?  Will I become an internet sensation for being ignorant or offensive or just stupid?   What will happen to me if I go out on a limb tonight and hit “PUBLISH”?

Maybe nothing.  Maybe something….. one thing for sure…. If I take the chance and live to tell the tale….

I am courageous.

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