Have Some Tea…..

Welcome to my pity party… have a seat.  How do you take your tea?  Here are some cookies…..   Or wine and popcorn….

I will tell you what set me off and you are probably going to roll your eyes but that is okay.  I keep trying to do fun stuff on my community facebook page but only a couple of people usually play along and I DON’T GET IT!!  I am giving away FREE STUFF people.  You don’t want free stuff?  And that was all it took to bring me to the brink of the Rabbit Hole Of Despair.  My Rabbit Hole is dark, and it is deep.  There are deadly swirling mists at the mouth.  I know I shouldn’t go near it…. but sometimes I do seem to be drawn in.  Sometimes I slip looking over the edge and tumble in.

So, if no one plays along then that must mean no one is there. I picture a huge auditorium.  There are balconies and rows upon rows of chairs— thousands of seats.  At least I know there are there— I can’t see them because they are in the shadows and I am up on stage, with the bright lights shining in my eyes.  But I do not know if there are thousands of people in those seats.  Or hundreds.  Or a scattered few.  Or none at all.  Yet, in spite of the uncertainty I long to perform for an audience.  To a crowd.

And I just do not know why.    This drives me crazy, down inside my Rabbit Hole.

Why does it matter if anyone sees what I do?  Why do I need to ‘put it out there’?  What makes me think you need to see what I write.  Why do I spend SO MUCH TIME playing with pictures of my cats and making up silly stories?  On the other hand, today I saw a video of squirrels that someone had edited light sabers and music into a funny story.   Why are some people compelled to do things?  And why not, after all?

Why do I feel a vague sense of rejection if no one makes a comment or there aren’t a lot of ‘hits’.  For the lack of a better, less pretentious term…. why do I feel validated when someone…. anyone…. notices me?   In school it was different– and I am sure one of the reasons I love being in school even now– is you get that instant gratification of a grade.  You work hard– you get a grade. You get concrete proof that what you did was noticed.  Once you get out of school (unless you have a rare job where you get a pat on the head now and then) how do you grade yourself?  The success or failure of a marriage?  Progression of career?  Children that earn degrees? Or become missionaries?  What house/car/shoes/purse/jewelry you own? A dog that does– or does not (CALLIE) graduate from puppy school?  A Facebook page with lots of ‘Likes’  Lots of Twitter followers?  A blog that gets read and shared and, be still my heart, commented on?    {Is it because I secretly fear that I am a failure or that everyone is mocking me}

Yeah, that is probably it.

My friend, Cathy, recommended a book to me called You Are A Writer (So Start Acting Like One) by Jeff Goins.  A lot of what he had to say stuck with me and while I was down in my Rabbit Hole pondering I remembered that he addressed this very thing  “…. make no mistake. All of us, at some point, wonder if what we are doing matters.  But for some of us….  this question sticks.  It haunts you.  And the answer taunts you.   It whispers from afar.  Keeps you wondering and waiting.  All the while, deep inside your heart, something dangerous stirs.  Something you’re afraid to admit….  We’re worried that we don’t have what it takes.  We’re anxious about the road it takes to get good enough.  We’re terrified we’ll fail to live up to our idea of greatness.  So we play it safe and abide by the rules.  Before we even start we sabotage our work and subvert our genius. And how, pray tell, do we do this?  With words.  Subtle but serious words that kill our passion before we can pursue it.  Words like “Aspiring” and “wannabe.”  Words like “I wish” and “someday”.  There is a solution to this.  A simple way of facing your fears and living the dream.  Become who you are.  YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU ARE.”

Sometimes I find it difficult to be inspired.  I keep a watchful eye toward what happens around me to see if I can turn it into subject matter.  You can only imagine the stress this puts my family under.  Or the cats.  They feel very stressed.  Sometimes I look around and everything feels flat and blah and I can’t turn a phrase or create a story regardless of how hard I try.   Sometimes I see something and I crack myself up but I can’t communicate why I find it worthy of mention.

A wise old sage recently told me, when I was trying to explain all this, that what I need to do is write for myself. For the joy of creating and expressing because if I do not, I will be depressed.   I am going to aspire to this.  But I will still drag you along too!

I will try to Dance Like No One is Watching….. but sometimes, just know that I am furiously tap dancing for you, and listening for applause.

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3 Comments on “Have Some Tea…..

  1. Honestly, the only reason I don’t is I just don’t have enough time to be on Facebook as much as I want to :/

  2. I read EVERYTHING you write!!! It cracks me up and brightens my day……KEEP doing what you are doing…..People are reading and being affected by it!! I feel this same way with Chez Piggy’s facebook page!!!! We offer discounts for playing games….and some days it catches on, and some days its crickets…..Its hard to figure out!!! 🙁

  3. Did you mention wine and popcorn for me? I feel validated. My suggestion to you is to do this for fun, and also write the real stuff that no one sees until it’s ready to be published. Because you are a writer.

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