Updated on November 14, 2015
Grandma Got Purple Hair!
It might just be me, but I doubt it.
Does anyone else feel like their ‘outside’ doesn’t match up with their ‘inside’? Every time I look in the mirror I feel like this old fat lady is there looking back at me. But from behind my eyes I ‘see’ a different person all together. That one is still fat but not THAT fat. She only has maybe two chins. Not Jabba the Hut chins. Her eyes are brighter. Her smile never leaves her face. She wears glasses, but not BI-FOCALS! She is ever hopeful that maybe today her body won’t hurt quite so much or that all her toes will have feeling again. I feel like an imposter but not the one people usually equate with someone wearing a façade of perfection—- one wearing a costume of a stranger.
And before you get all defensive of me, I am not fishing for affirmation that I am not ugly please just don’t go there. I know what I am. It will only make me trust you less. I have 99 blessings— being attractive ain’t one.
Sometimes when I try to reconcile the outside with the inside I get really frustrated and depressed. It feels like a daily battle to just live side by side with that stranger wearing my skin. I don’t want to spend so much energy hating her. I want to just ignore her. I don’t want pictures because it shocks me to see her. I just want to live in my own head with my true self.
Sometimes I do seemingly crazy things like coloring my hair purple
Because the real me INSIDE has purple hair.
The real me would have tattoos too but the outside me worries about what effect that could have on her diabetes and if there would be an infection. So she settles for the purple hair instead. The real me wants to look on the outside like she feels on the inside. She wants to just look normal. Well, as normal as you can with purple hair. She wonders if someone could have loved her if her real self was on the outside. She thinks she would have a totally different life.
But all these things are just an exercise in futility because ‘it is what it is’
But now it has purple hair.