Posted on September 12, 2015
Before The Internet Here’s How You Got Your News…
Do you know what this is?
It is a actual relic of byegone days. A newspaper. MADE OF ACTUAL PAPER!
I just started having it delivered because I find that I am missing a lot of local news stories.
And also because my sister needs the newspaper for her favorite hobby: Pinata Making.
Let me tell you— she is a real Pro at the pinata thing. That is if you consider creating pinatas that will not break apart the end goal. Because she doesn’t just use newspaper. Oh no—- she also uses duct tape and rope. Yes she does. Do you know why? So that all the kids get to take a good swat at the thing before it breaks apart. Trouble is that usually this means all the kids take multiple swats and then the adults start taking swats. Then the Big Men People take serious beatdowns to the pinata….. meanwhile the kids are bored and have wandered off. I remember one year in particular they had to take power tools to the dang thing. I am NOT KIDDING!! And they are great because they are always BIG and full of the good candy. Not that horrible Halloween mix that no one actually eats. It has been a few years since Monica has created a new piñata but rumor has it that the lights in her evil scientist lab have been burning far into the night and there have been reports of maniacal laughter. Also, she was spotted at Walmart buying several hundred bottles of Elmers glue. Parkers birthday is coming up in a few months, I will keep you posted.
The first morning the paper was sitting there in my driveway…. the driveway of my house that still sometimes feels like my parents’ house and I am just squatting there while they are….. ‘away’, that first morning I felt like the ultimate Old Fart. I almost went inside to put on a duster and get my cane just to finish off the true effect.
I have come to realize that buying this subscription was a mistake. Even picking them up off the driveway takes too much effort. But once I drag myself ALL THE WAY TO THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY and pick them up they have all ended up in my new planter, unopened. But the lowest point, the moment that made me positive I had to cancel this subscription, was when a neighbor lady caught me coming out of my car and ran up to me to lecture me about leaving my papers in the driveway because burglers were going to think I was on vacation and come burgle my house. By “Neighbor lady” I mean a lady that I remember from when I was a little kid which makes her at least 150 years old. And by “Ran” I mean charged up to me, barefoot, and using a walker.
And that is why I will no longer be getting those newspapers made of paper: I just can’t take the risk of that kind of assault again.